Posted August 25, 200618 yr A thread for all our Onion, etc. humor. Actually, this Onion editorial was just too good to pass up ... Sometimes I Feel Like I'm The Only One Trying To Gentrify This Neighborhood By Eli Kearney August 23, 2006 | Issue 42•34 When I moved into this neighborhood, I fell in love right away. Not with the actual neighborhood, but with its potential: It's affordable, there are nice row houses all around just waiting to be filled up by my friends, there's lot of open space to be exploited, and plenty of parking. Plus, this area has got a great authentic feel and, with a little work, it could be even more authentic. Perfect, right?
August 25, 200618 yr Also, their dogs stay outside and bark all day. I like dogs just fine, but why can't their dogs be smaller and more nervous? Brilliance.
October 4, 200618 yr The Onion strikes again ... Tourist Experiences City By Buying Used CDs October 4, 2006 | Issue 42•40 CHARLESTON, SC—Tourist Alex Pratt decided to "get the feel" of the historic South Carolina port city of Charleston by making the rounds of its local used-CD stores Tuesday. "I found a Marshall Crenshaw CD I didn't have, and really lucked out on The Feelies' The Good Earth—I haven't seen that in years," said Pratt, who has also shopped for music in Boston, San Francisco, Gettysburg, PA, and Kansas City. "I like this place. It's a lot like my regular used-CD shop back in Chicago." Foregoing a ferry-ride to nearby Fort Sumter, Pratt said he intended to spend the remainder of the afternoon peeling the protective plastic off the CD cases and enjoying a sandwich from a local Subway restaurant. http://www.theonion.com/content/node/53599
October 4, 200618 yr that first one is too funny can't we all relate??? P.S the new little rehab center on the hill coming up winslow at washington has a 50 cent coffee (sweet!) but bummer, it is served in styrofoam..
October 6, 200618 yr My favorite "urban" piece from The Onion was from August 2005: City Councilman Unearths Magical Zoning Amulet I posted it on my blog here: http://clevelandplanner.blogspot.com/2005/12/city-councilman-unearths-magical.html
October 6, 200618 yr ^Aye! And one of my old Detroit-themed Onion favs: All Y'All Urged To Go Fuck Yo' Selves January 13, 1999 | Issue 35•01 DETROIT—In a strongly worded pronouncement to all y'all motherfuckers, Detroit resident Dwayne Combs urged all y'all to go fuck yo' selves Monday. "Y'all be bullshit," said Combs in a 3:17 a.m. address from the corner of Woodward Avenue and Grand Boulevard. "And yo' mama, too." Monday’s statement marked the normally reclusive Combs' first since an October 1998 appeal to Detroit’s city council to kiss his big, black ass. Representatives for all y'all have not yet responded to Combs' themselves-fucking offer.
March 2, 200718 yr An oldie but a goodie ... Nonprofit Fights Poverty With Poverty July 28, 2006 | Issue 42•31 Nonprofit Fights Poverty With Poverty CLEVELAND, OH—Helping Hearts, a nonprofit organization that assists low-income Clevelanders, marked its eighth anniversary Monday with its customary celebration of a box-mix home-made cake, a pitcher of Kool-Aid, and a promise from assistant director Susan Lindstrom to continue its tireless work alleviating some of the most pressing needs of the city's poor. http://www.theonion.com/content/node/51104
June 22, 200717 yr Biznik http://biznik.com/biztalk/digg_this.html If Architects Had To Work Like Web Designers Dear Mr. Architect: Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion. My house should have somewhere between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdown for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one.
June 22, 200717 yr Biznik http://biznik.com/biztalk/digg_this.html If Architects Had To Work Like Web Designers Dear Mr. Architect: Please design and build me a house ... and then at closing ... Uhhh, before we sign, there's just one little thing we'd like. We decided it would be nice to have a full basement, with a bathroom and wet bar.
June 26, 200717 yr From The Onion sh!tty Neighborhood Rallies Against Asshole Developer June 23, 2007 | Issue 43•25 CHICAGO—Residents of the Carney Gardens neighborhood on Chicago's South Side are opposing an effort by asshole real-estate developer Royce Messner to build a godawful $45 million strip mall and condominium complex in the crime-ridden sh!thole they call home. http://www.theonion.com/content/news/sh!tty_neighborhood_rallies#email_this
June 30, 200717 yr I most have lost my mind.. or that s*&% is so dry I do not even get it..and I am big O fan.
June 30, 200717 yr columbus gets onioned today! Health Department Closes Perfectly Good Burrito Place June 30, 2007 | Issue 43•26 COLUMBUS, OH—The Columbus Health Department closed the Mexican fast food restaurant Burrito Max on Monday after it failed a routine inspection, completely neglecting to take into account the fact that the popular, conveniently located establishment was a perfectly good burrito place that served kick-ass burritos at a totally cheap price. http://www.theonion.com/content/news/health_department_closes_perfectly
June 30, 200717 yr The 595 Commonwealth reference seems to be a Boston University reference. Good show, old man! And now, a classic: Urban Planner Stuck In Traffic Of Own Design March 10, 2004 | Issue 40•10 PITTSBURGH, PA—Bernard Rothstein, an urban planner and traffic-flow modulation specialist with the Urban Redevelopment Authority, found himself stuck in rush-hour traffic of his own design for more than an hour Monday. www.theonion.com
July 23, 200717 yr From, of course, The Onion: Area Man Way Too Into Local County History January 13, 1999 | Issue 35•01 LEWANAHO COUNTY, WI—Gary Pavlik, an assistant librarian at the public library in Vida, the seat of Lewanaho County, is way too into local county history, sources reported Monday.
August 30, 200717 yr This Monster Problem Is Distracting This Town From The Real Issues By Cecil Losowski August 29, 2007 | Issue 43•35 People, people, people! Put down your torches for a second. I know you're all angry that, after days of bloody and terrifying rampage, the monster still hasn't been caught. Your outrage is not unjustified; however, it's misdirected. You're all determined to defeat an inhuman creature hell-bent on destroying all living things in its path, but you're missing the bigger picture. Instead of getting upset over who or what slaughtered the varsity cheerleading squad, we need to envision more long-term solutions to the problems that affect the community as a whole. http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/this_monster_problem_is
September 10, 200717 yr From (you guessed it) The Onion: Town Hall Meeting Gives Townspeople Chance To Say Stupid Things In Public September 8, 2007 | Issue 43•36 NEW BEDFORD, MA—In a true display of democracy, a town hall meeting held at the New Bedford High School auditorium Monday gave the crowd of approximately 550 residents the opportunity to publicly voice every last one of the inane thoughts and concerns they would normally only have the chance to utter to themselves. http://www.theonion.com/content/news/town_hall_meeting_gives
September 11, 200717 yr Sounds like a public-input meeting about a neighborhood flood control project that I attended a couple of weeks ago.
September 11, 200717 yr "Who's going to fix the roads?" said 49-year-old Gordon Winters, a bona fide, class-A moron. "Do I have to fix the roads myself, or is somebody going to fix the roads? What's it gonna be? Fixed roads? Or not-fixed roads?" Holy crap. It is like they copied this right out of the Middletown Journal/Hamilton Journal-News Community drunk-dial. Everything else is right on as well; its absolutely hillarious!
September 11, 200717 yr It sounds like every community meeting I have ever attended in any capacity. Ever.
September 12, 200717 yr City Councilman Thomas Reed inadvertently opened the floodgates to a deluge of ill-informed, off-topic diatribes on inconsequential bullshit when he allowed those in attendance to demonstrate their God-given gift of language I just knew it would be good when I hit that point....
October 16, 200717 yr Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Retires 'D' Chord October 11, 2007 | Issue 43•41 CLEVELAND—The D chord, famed for its part in innumerable classic rock songs, including "Back in Black," "Bad Moon Rising," and "Don't Be Cruel," was retired Tuesday during a ceremony at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum. http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/rock_and_roll_hall_of_fame
October 25, 200717 yr My all-too-appropriate horoscope from The Onion last week: Aries March 21 - April 19 The sight of well-manicured lawns, new and colorful homes, and friendly pedestrians can only mean one thing: You've wandered onto the wrong side of the tracks. http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/oct-16-2007
October 25, 200717 yr My all-too-appropriate horoscope from The Onion last week: Aries March 21 - April 19 The sight of well-manicured lawns, new and colorful homes, and friendly pedestrians can only mean one thing: You've wandered onto the wrong side of the tracks. http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/oct-16-2007 Thanks! Maybe this should be a disclaimer on our birthday! :-D
October 29, 200717 yr Doll-Housing Crisis Set To Worsen, Mean Older Brother Says October 23, 2007 | Issue 43•43 DAYTON, OH—According to 5-year-old Janie Wright's mean older brother, Dave, 8, if unsuitable borrowers Ken and Barbie continue to default on their high-risk subprime mortgages, it could spell the worst doll-housing crisis to hit the plastic couple since someone threw their dream home's roof out a window. For more info, click link http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/doll_housing_crisis_set_to
January 7, 200817 yr Town Uglification Committee Approves New Pile Of Garbage Bags December 14, 2007 | Issue 43•50 LOUDONVILLE, OH—As part of ongoing efforts to maintain the town's unplesasant appearance, members of the Loudonville Uglification Committee unanimously approved a measure Tuesday to preserve the 16 overflowing garbage bags filled with old newspapers, beer bottles, and decaying food in the middle of the Cedar Street sidewalk. "We're going to do all we can to make sure these new piles of trash are in full view of anyone who comes to visit our little town, as well as those who call Loudonville home," said chairwoman Karen Spalding, who oversees all of the town's upkeep, including planting weeds in parks, spray-painting profanities on the walls of the public library, and smearing dog feces at prominent intersections. "It's important that our work properly reflects the type of people who live here." Spalding added that she was confident this latest initiative would attract businesses interested in dumping their waste products directly into the Mohican River. http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/town_uglification_committee
January 10, 200817 yr DOT Declares Pothole Too Perfect To Fill January 10, 2008 | Issue 44•02 COLUMBUS, OH—According to a statement released by the Ohio Department of Transportation Wednesday, highway maintenance workers are so deeply moved by the elegant pothole located in the westbound lane of Route 50 that they have decided not to defile its pure and powerful form by attempting to fill it in. "This natural jewel of concrete displacement on an endless stretch of barren highway is too aesthetically pristine to be disturbed," said Ohio DOT director James G. Beasley, adding that when he first beheld the pothole he knew he had seen the face of God. "From the delicate lace of cracks running across the radius to the dark and profound depths of the crater below, we must protect this pothole with all of our being. It makes such beautiful use of negative space." Beasley also claimed that it would be an honor for anyone to have their car ruined by such a masterpiece of asphalt. http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/dot_declares_pothole_too
February 6, 200817 yr Seriously, Cleveland, How Are You? By Bob Seger February 6, 2008 | Issue 44•06 Hello again, Cleveland! It's me, Bob Seger. You may recall me from the rock-and-roll concert last night. First off, let me say that it was such an amazing show—we played all the hits, blew the roof off the place, and you were a great crowd. But, honestly, I was a bit surprised when I inquired as to how you were doing, and you responded with a curt "Woo!" and just left it at that. You might have thought it was a mere pleasantry on my part, but I really meant it: How are you? http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/seriously_cleveland_how_are_you
February 14, 200817 yr And so is this ... 3'-By-4' Plot Of Green Space Rejuvenates Neighborhood February 11, 2008 | Issue 44•07 DETROIT—Notorious for its abandoned buildings, industrial warehouses, and gray, dilapidated roads, Detroit's Warrendale neighborhood was miraculously revitalized this week by the installation of a single, three-by-four-foot plot of green space. The green space, a rectangular patch of crabgrass located on a busy median divider, has by all accounts turned what was once a rundown community into a thriving, picturesque oasis, filled with charming shops, luxury condominiums, and, for the first time ever, hope ... ... For more information, please visit http://www.theonion.com/content/news/3_by_4_plot_of_green_space
February 14, 200817 yr From The Onion (duh) a couple months ago: http://www.theonion.com/content/cartoon/dec-03-2007
March 31, 200817 yr Brilliant ... Report: Nation's Gentrified Neighborhoods Threatened By Aristocratization March 31, 2008 | Issue 44•14 WASHINGTON—According to a report released Tuesday by the Brookings Institution, a Washington-based think tank, the recent influx of exceedingly affluent powder-wigged aristocrats into the nation's gentrified urban areas is pushing out young white professionals, some of whom have lived in these neighborhoods for as many as seven years. Maureen Kennedy, a housing policy expert and lead author of the report, said that the enormous treasure-based wealth of the aristocracy makes it impossible for those living on modest trust funds to hold onto their co-ops and converted factory loft spaces ... ... For more information, please visit http://www.theonion.com/content/news/report_nations_gentrified
July 2, 200816 yr Given the activity the Transportation thread has, someone should get a chuckle out of this Report: 98 Percent Of U.S. Commuters Favor Public Transportation For Others November 29, 2000 | Issue 36•43 WASHINGTON, DC–A study released Monday by the American Public Transportation Association reveals that 98 percent of Americans support the use of mass transit by others. http://www.theonion.com/content/news/report_98_percent_of_u_s_commuters
August 28, 200915 yr F$&ker Riding Man's Ass Whole Way Out To Cleveland The Onion | August 28, 2009 | Issue 45•35 TWINSBURG, OH—Jesus Christ, area man Mark Hurley cannot f$&king believe this dumb sh!t who has been riding his ass all the way out to Cleveland, even though they're traveling on an empty three-lane highway. The asshole, who, for some reason refuses to just pass already, practically pulled into Hurley's backseat two hours ago, outside Toledo. "Come on!" Hurley reportedly hollered back at the goddamn lunatic, who is not only out of his mind, but apparently wants to get them both killed. "What the hell?" As of press time, oh God, you've got to be kidding, the f$&ker just turned on his high beams. http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/f$&ker_riding_mans_ass?utm_source=a-section
November 17, 200915 yr The Onion's coverage of Ohio passing the casino bill ... Ohio Legalized Casinos American Voices Friday, November 6, 2009 Voters in Ohio approved a plan to open casinos in the state's four largest cities. What do you think? "This could really put Cincinnati on the map." Dianne Lovecraft, Systems Analyst "It sure would be nice to see Cleveland blossom into a modern-day Atlantic City." Richard Bloch, Naphtha-Plant Treater "I cannot abide it. It will bring vice to Columbus!" Noel Derelith, Office Auditor http://www.theonion.com/content/node/99060
Create an account or sign in to comment