Posted January 18, 200718 yr An amusing e-mail is going around work. And here it is: Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Greater Columbus market: "New Albany Barbie" This princess Barbie is sold only on the square in New Albany. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and facelift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version. "Dublin Barbie" The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Wind star Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. "Reynoldsburg Barbie" This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife,a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) ..unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about. "Upper Arlington Barbie" This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them. "Lancaster (pronounced Link-a-ster) Barbie" This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and a unicorn tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free "Grove City Barbie" This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Grove City Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home. "Victorian Village Barbie" This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow . She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Victorian Village Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free. "Eastland Mall Barbie" This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant. "Short North Barbie/Ken" This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts. Feel free to localize this and send it to everybody in your address book.
January 18, 200718 yr LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111 Eastland Mall barbie... very fitting.
January 18, 200718 yr Christ, and they are all dead-on. "You don't just walk into a bar and mix it up by calling a girl fat" - buildingcincinnati speaking about new forumers
January 18, 200718 yr I think the Grove City barbie is a little off, but other than that, they're dead on. Theres some pretty affluent subdivisions in Grove City (unless I'm wrong and they're slightly outside... the ones off of 71).
January 18, 200718 yr Grove City = Trash (except for the downtown Graeter's). "You don't just walk into a bar and mix it up by calling a girl fat" - buildingcincinnati speaking about new forumers
January 18, 200718 yr Shouldn't "Reynoldsburg Barbie" be "Whitehall Barbie," or am I waaaaaay out of date.
January 18, 200718 yr My aunt sent me the same thing about three years ago but for Cleveland-area Barbies. I should try to find it...
January 18, 200718 yr Here's the Cleveland one Cleveland Area Barbie¢s Mattel recently announced the release of Limited-Edition Barbie Dolls for the Greater Cleveland market. They include: Westlake Barbie: This princess Barbie is sold only at Crocker Park. She comes with an assortment of Coach Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey, and a cookie cutter $500,000.00 house. Available with or without tummy tuck, and face-lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version. Parma Barbie: This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Explorer and matching gym outfit; additional outfit of tight Levis Jeans and black suede shoes. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or any ambition to have a job ever. She is a devoted member to the PTA, MADD, Girl Scout Troops, Local Area Church and Tanning Salon. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. Cleveland Public School Barbie: This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. She comes with a shredded and mangled "Terrible Towel" which she stole from Pittsburgh Barbie after she kicked her ass in 3rd grade. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant. Collinwood Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Pontiac with dark tinted windows and a crack pipe. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash. Unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about. Hunting Valley Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and "The Country Club" membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them. Brunswick Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Avon Lake Barbie: This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. She still wants to look twenty, but clearly is not. She comes with a dedicated husband and 2.2 soccer-playing children. Percocet prescription available separately. Elyria Barbie: This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of another Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home. University Circle Barbie: This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow". She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two University Circle Barbie¢s and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free. Lakewood Barbie/Ken: This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple "snap--on" parts. She lives in a daze and appreciates Independent Films. Strongsville Barbie: This wealthy-wannabe runs around town with her knock-off Louis Vuitton bag and/or Gucci handbag. She believes in face-lifts and acting like an airhead on a daily basis. Her husband buys her a 300-series BMW and prays she shuts up. Beachwood Barbie: This financially stabled Jew Barbie comes with husband's open-line-of-credit American Express, dreidel, 3+ carat diamond ring, cashmere Burberry scarf and Mercedes G55. She fancies dinner parties with fine wine and music. Obviously, all she has time to do is drop off the kids at school, go to the salon, and plan the next get-together with other loaded folks like her. Amherst Barbie: This well-to-do Barbie is only available in Caucasian. She comes with the perfect money making machine husband since she is a full time "stay at home mom", 3 kids, and a Lincoln Navigator or Mercedes SUV or both. She sits on every board possible, and will have other rich Barbie bitches such as herself over to gossip in her overly large house every Saturday night to "play cards", which really means to get drunk and gossip about all the other rich bitch Barbie¢s on their street. You will occasionally find her having a night out with the rich bitch Barbie¢s at Ziggy's, Church St. or RC's. They will most likely be looking for a 20 something year old guy to have something on the side with. House cleaner only included if your house is large enough. Oberlin Barbie: This Barbie refuses to admit that she is even a part of the Barbie line since she is anti-corporate. She would rather be at a Phish concert, or The Feve, while stoned. She only showers once a week, has long hair, and an organic cotton dress. Although she comes from an extremely wealthy family, she is an outcast probably from the New England states for being a hippie or lesbian, or both (which is most likely). She comes with an Oberlin College student ID, the homosexual ken edition, a Peace Corps membership, and shhhhhhh don't tell anyone but Daddy's American Express for "emergencies only". Lorain Barbie: This wanna be black Barbie is a hoot! Complete with a full line of designer horse weaves, a Focus car, and a booklet of KFC coupons (You can really use them!!). She is a proud alumni of Admiral King High, and is now failing courses at LCCC. Put her in her car and watch her ride around for hours looking for something to do! FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY you can get a complete replica of (take your pick) either Mutt n' Jeffs or Scorchers!! make no mistake, this Barbie is intelligent and beautiful..but pull the string on her back and watch her come to life as she bitch slaps you and cusses you out in spanish! Don't miss your chance to get your very own Lorain Barbie! Call within the next 10 minutes and get L-town Ken equipped with a dime sack and vip tickets to every festival this summer at Lakeview Park..CALL NOW!!
January 18, 200718 yr Heheh, I posted a similar Columbus Barbie list almost 2 years ago, back before many of you young'ns existed on this forum. Click the link for further hilarity: http://www.urbanohio.com/forum2/index.php?topic=2308.0
January 18, 200718 yr Cleveland Area Barbie¢s Not the same without the pics. I emailed this link to my friends in Columbus, who are emailing to others, and so on. A few browsed the site and love it. Maybe some new Columbus formers?
January 18, 200718 yr hee haw. funny -- pretty damn dead on. yeah hopefully it attracts more central ohio forumers.
January 19, 200718 yr Grove City = Trash (except for the downtown Graeter's). Isn't Grove City where Columbus' dump is located?
January 19, 200718 yr Remember kids--stereotypes exist for a reason! So we know in which part of town we should live?
January 19, 200718 yr Some of those Cleveland ones seem off to me. I don't see the upscale "modern housewife" Barbie in Parma. Perhaps a Parma KKK Barbie, complete with burning cross and spray paint, to spray intimidating graffiti on the homes of minorities. And I don't see Amherst Barbie as being that affluent, certainly less so than Avon Lake or Westlake- there are a lot of "Elyria Barbies" in Amherst still. The UC Barbie should be the Cleveland Heights Barbie.
January 19, 200718 yr Heheh, I posted a similar Columbus Barbie list almost 2 years ago, back before many of you young'ns existed on this forum. Click the link for further hilarity: http://www.urbanohio.com/forum2/index.php?topic=2308.0 Well, the geography has been updated in the 23 months since. Next step, The "Other counties in Ohio" Barbie series
January 19, 200718 yr I acutally got an email today called "dayton barbies" which was the columbus barbies' descriptions just with a dayton town inserted instead of a columbus one
January 19, 200718 yr Here's the Cleveland one Cleveland Area Barbie¢s Mattel recently announced the release of Limited-Edition Barbie Dolls for the Greater Cleveland market. They include: Lorain Barbie: This wanna be black Barbie is a hoot! Complete with a full line of designer horse weaves, a Focus car, and a booklet of KFC coupons (You can really use them!!). She is a proud alumni of Admiral King High, and is now failing courses at LCCC. Put her in her car and watch her ride around for hours looking for something to do! FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY you can get a complete replica of (take your pick) either Mutt n' Jeffs or Scorchers!! make no mistake, this Barbie is intelligent and beautiful..but pull the string on her back and watch her come to life as she bitch slaps you and cusses you out in spanish! Don't miss your chance to get your very own Lorain Barbie! Call within the next 10 minutes and get L-town Ken equipped with a dime sack and vip tickets to every festival this summer at Lakeview Park..CALL NOW!! ha - pretty right on, but i didnt really laugh until i got to the end part about vip tickets to lorain festivals :laugh:
January 20, 200718 yr ...but pull the string on her back and watch her come to life as she bitch slaps you and cusses you out in spanish! :shock:
January 20, 200718 yr I acutally got an email today called "dayton barbies" which was the columbus barbies' descriptions just with a dayton town inserted instead of a columbus one. The sad thing is though, these canned descriptions fit most medium to large American cities. Only takes one to fit them in with their city, towns and suburbs. All though, some have done a better job at morphing them to describe their city.
January 20, 200718 yr I could easily adapt these to Detroit area Barbies. New Albany Barbie would be the Wabeek or Grosse Pointe Shores version; Dublin = Northville; Reynoldsburg = Downriver; Upper Arlington = Birmingham; Grove City = Hazel Park; Lancaster = Belleville; Victorian Village = Ferndale; Eastland = well, Eastland Mall; Short North Barbie/Ken = 6 mile & Woodward Barbie/Ken, the latter version much, much, more authentic. The only thing missing from the mix are a whole lot of Black, Muslim and European barbies. And trust me when you say this: you are missing OUT!
January 20, 200718 yr The only think missing from the mix are a whole lot of Black, Muslim and European barbies. And trust me when you say this: you are missing OUT! So basically, the hot barbies. Hail yeah/Na'am/Tak Tak!
January 20, 200718 yr Fucking hilarious stuff, and so incredibly dead-on. The only think missing from the mix are a whole lot of Black, Muslim and European barbies. And trust me when you say this: you are missing OUT! So basically, the hot barbies. For Toledo, labeling suburban barbies wouldn't be quite so easy, except for Sylvania, Perrysburg, and Springfield: New Alabany Barbie = Sylvania Barbie with Jews, Arabs, Indians, and Persians added to the mix. Dublin Barbie = Perrysburg Barbie Reynoldsburg Barbie = Springfield Barbie...SPRINGFIELD HIGH SCHOOL to a T Ottawa Hills = Bexley....where the fuck is Bexley Barbie? forget the minutia, the vast nw ohio majority would be the floating 'cat' trucker hat overall wearing tractor driving farmer barbies.
January 20, 200718 yr Cleveland Area Barbie¢s Not the same without the pics. The Cleveland Barbies e-mail that's been floating around had the same exact pics as the Columbus. Just different locations and descriptions applied to each. You can figure out based on the descriptions what locations the pics went with... "In the souls of the people the grapes of wrath are filling and growing heavy, growing heavy for the vintage." -- John Steinbeck
January 20, 200718 yr (Dayton's version circulating) Mattel recently announced the release of the improved limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Greater Dayton market: Beavercreek Barbie This princess Barbie is sold only at Fairfield Commons Mall. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version. Kettering/Oakwood Barbie The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Wind star Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. Riverside Barbie This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife,a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) ..unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about. Centerville Barbie This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them. Xenia Barbie This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Moraine Barbie This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Centerville Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home. Yellow Springs Barbie This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Yellow Springs Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free. Dayton Barbie This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant. Oregon District Barbie/Ken This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.
January 21, 200718 yr If it were me...I'd make Centerville the one with the Lexus, Beavercreek the mini-van one and Oakwood the Hummer/BMW one.
January 21, 200718 yr Agreed. "You don't just walk into a bar and mix it up by calling a girl fat" - buildingcincinnati speaking about new forumers
January 23, 200718 yr i dk c-dawg, i think you have over-imagined an urbanized nw ohio too much. clothes aside, last i saw the farm culture still rules around there. more than cars, a centerville barbie is most known for the bleach bottle.
January 25, 200718 yr 4. I don't know what the fuck the Downtown Barbie was getting at, but it's probably wrong. Downtown/Warehouse District would be more yuppie/young adult/art freak/empty nester/gay territory than anything else. They had PLENTY to work with, but they chose transvestites? wtf? Maybe downtown just meant Ceasar's Show Bar... I got an email with Cincinnati Barbies that called that last one "Vine Street Barbie/Ken," and included pictures - they were going for the prostitution thing:
January 25, 200718 yr 4. I don't know what the fuck the Downtown Barbie was getting at, but it's probably wrong. Downtown/Warehouse District would be more yuppie/young adult/art freak/empty nester/gay territory than anything else. They had PLENTY to work with, but they chose transvestites? wtf? Maybe downtown just meant Ceasar's Show Bar... I got an email with Cincinnati Barbies that called that last one "Vine Street Barbie/Ken," and included pictures - they were going for the prostitution thing: That's not your standard prostitute; that's a gal with something extra.
January 25, 200718 yr The transvestite prostitutes don't hang on vine..You can find the transvestite barbies to the west side of OTR near central pkwy/Liberty/Elm, Mcmicken
January 25, 200718 yr ^Hmmm, I don't think I want to know how you know that :-D And C-dawg you taking these Barbies Waaaay too seriously.
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