OK, I am a 34 year gay old man who does not know how to dress himself  :cry:

 

Typically, I wear a solid color polo, or a T-Shirt from one of the many bars I worked at, or a solid color wool sweater, black belt, Gap jeans or JCrew/Gap chinos and black Doc Martins.  And I am happy.

 

But, I am going to LA with my business partner to check out concepts, and I know him and we will probably do a bunch of stuff with extreamly weathly beautiful people in hot cool clubs.  While some poeple would love this, I think it is one of the rings of hell.

 

Anywho, I need to dress so that I can hang and not be noticed.

 

What I am asking you very generous people, is for very specific instruction.  What store, what article of clothing, what color, etc.

 

I really would appreciate any advice you could give. I am willing to spend some cash, since I really have not bought any clothes in the past 4 years.

 

So, it is LA this weekend, and NY in a few weeks.

 

HELP!  (I will buy you a beer and be eternally grateful)

Don't worry - I'm good with the casual stuff but once the dress codes kick in, I'm a little iffy. You'll be dealing with "extremely wealthy" people, so don't be intimidated and try to overcompensate. Be yourself, be calm, cool, and collected and don't feel you have to keep up with Suzy McGucci - your Midwestern charm will likely be a novelty. Coming from Chicago, they're probably not going to expect you to be head-to-toe in the most avant garde ensemble.

 

I'd start with Nordstrom on Michigan Avenue - they're usually good about having someone on staff who can put looks together for you, and they'll have more variety than just going to a boutique at a time. Tell them exactly what you're going for - and if they start bringing out the flashy/trashy stuff - don't be afraid to say "sorry, but not for me". If you have a budget and they bring out stuff that's waaay too pricey, don't be afraid to say "I'm trying to keep it around $____". It sounds silly but if you don't know your measurements - have someone take them and remember them by heart. Oh, and absolutely NO pleated pants.

 

I imagine you'll need a suit - like you said, you don't want anything flashy but something nice enough that people won't scoff. Go for looks like the following, but pair it with a shirt (try Banana Republic - decent shirts at a good price) that will bring out your eyes (they're blue, right?).:

 

This would work for the really hoity-toity spots:

 

(From Nordstrom):

 

For a more casual place (from Kenneth Cole):

 

Upscale (from Kenneth Cole):

 

Casual (from Kenneth Cole):

 

A reliable outfit is the blazer/shirt/jeans combo: since you're going out to trendy nightspots, keep the blazer simple, the jeans can be a little fun and absolutely have a good pair of shoes. Again - you'll want to be able to get mileage out of them so KISS (keep it simple, stupid) always applies. The following pair from Kenneth Cole would work with dress pants or jeans, look nice enough but without spending an arm and a leg:

 

Jeans-wise, go for a dark color, slimmish (but NOT skinny) fit, and a clean finish (no pre-shredded, graffiti-strewn looks) - something along these lines. Note how the jeans have a nice break just below the ankle (Citizens of Humanity - available at Nordstrom):

 

http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/2946073/0~2376780~6009391~6009808~6009812?mediumthumbnail=Y&origin=category&searchtype=&pbo=6009812&P=1

 

Avoid this kind of look (the color is too light, the fit is too baggy, and the detailing is waaay over-the-top) (True Religion Jeans):

 

That's a start - I'm sure you'll get plenty of feedback from others :-)

^Wow- pretty impressive post, all in less than half an hour from Punch's plea.

As Queen of the forum, I'm simply doing my civic duty ;-)

^Y'all killin me!        Impressive to say the least!!

hey mayday, come take me shopping and dress me....on your budget.  :-D

On *my* budget? Honey, my recommendations for punch were made on his budget, not mine!

 

Remember, I'm in the graphic design field! My budget, haHAH! Hooo, that was good! :laugh:

it was just an excuse to hang with ya, but whatever. 

Bless you!

 

So, no horeshoes on my butt....got it!

Should I just go straight to the Kenneth Cole store, or should I go to Nordstrom's first.  Where can I get a better deal?

You're like the worst gay guy ever.

That casual Kennith Cole outfit is nice.

 

Damn, MayDay is the supreme queer eye for the straight (and gay) guy.

 

 

 

Nordstrom first, Kenneth Cole second - Nordstrom carries a lot of Kenneth Cole gear. Nordstrom is at 55 East Grand, Kenneth Cole is on Michigan by the river.

You'll likely get a better deal at Nordstrom's. I'm not familiar with the Kenneth Cole in Chi-town, but typically, "label" stores are selling what's in season and charge appropriately. Department store clothing can be equally appealing, but is likely off-season or even previous season. This can save you some bucks.

 

Keep in mind, too, that you'll be dressing for LA, where temperatures are hovering in the mid-to-high 60s right now. Don't get swayed toward seasonal clothes ... the majority of Chicago clothing outlets are going to be selling winter wear right now. You may even luck out on prices on more summer-oriented formal dress.

 

At 34, remember to look for suits that are young. Assuming you're of average or lower weight, choose a slim silhouette. I'd also recommend a lighter material but not something so light that it's not going to travel well ... you don't want to be crying over the myriad of tiny wrinkles in your linen jacket.

 

Going with lighter colors will make you look a little tanner. For my blue-eyed brethren (which MayDay indicates you are), I recommend a white, cream or very light blue as a way to class up a darker suit and not make your Great Lakes coloration look like you're an L.A. mortician.

 

Some final words, I agree with MayDay ... no pleats. It's actually kind of sad that that still warrants mention in 2007. Who is making all these effing pleated pants, and who's buying them? Other obvious lessons ...

 

- No ... braided ... belts (in my best Joan Crawford voice)!

- Be careful with monotone outfits. Nothing's more distracting than someone wearing a black suit, black belt  and black shoes ... in three different shades of black. When in doubt, pair a mid-brown with a khaki color (instead of trying to approximate the mid-brown) or black with a charcoal or heather (instead of another black). 

- Save a fifth of your budget to visit a tailor. Paying to have shirts darted in the back, sleeves shortened, pants hemmed to appropriate lengths, etc. can polish up your off-the-rack look.

- Have your eyebrows waxed, but make sure you indicate that you don't want to look like a drag queen ... just a little shaping, not pencil-thin.

 

Most importantly, choose clothing and grooming that you will be happy with ... half of your impression will be how you carry yourself. So if you're usually a sweater and chinos guy, avoid anything that makes you feel fake or pretentious ... half your charm as a Midwesterner is your authenticity and lack of airs  :wink: Even if that means breaking some of my shopping rules ... but not the braided belt one.

Oh, as an alternative to Kenneth Cole (which is definitely a good brand to try out), keep your eye out for other easily attainable, "young but sophisticated" labels ... Calvin Klein, Ben Sherman and Zara all come to mind.

You're like the worst gay guy ever.

 

Dude, my membershipcard is about to be revoked.

 

Off to Nordstroms......THANKS everyone.  I am will supply pics from the weekend :wave:

wow, on so many levels. but mostly b/c my2cents has not chimed in yet.

Well, I just up and tossed all my pleated pants and braided leather belts.

Yeah at Old Navy we always had tons of pleated pants in upstock. No one wanted them. Maybe some day they'll get the point.

Well, I just up and tossed all my pleated pants and braided leather belts.

not a fashion horse, but no x2.

Got to love Urban Ohio! One can get an education in MSAs, SMSAs, Net Migration Patterns, Urban Planning, Sustainability Principles, and how to dress for a gay bar all in the same day.

so, Nordstrom was no help, which surprised me.  I think my sales person was on meth, honestly.  She must have brought me at least 200 articles of clothing to try on, not kidding.  That store did not carry Kenneth Cole, and I really did not like much of what they had.  I bought a pair of jeans....that I might wind up returning

 

Now at the Kenneth Cole store, I had more luck. I actually printed out what Mayday wrote and handed it to the sales guy and told him I had 15 minutes to shop.  I picked out a nice, casual charcoal jacket with a pin stripe, a dark pair of jeans, a cool tuxedo-ish white shirt, a pair of dress boots and a belt.

 

For the formal wear, I am just going to use what I got at home, for this weekend.

 

Again, thanks for the help!

Got to love Urban Ohio! One can get an education in MSAs, SMSAs, Net Migration Patterns, Urban Planning, Sustainability Principles, and how to dress for a gay bar all in the same day.

 

Ha ha, you aren't kidding!

Definitely let us know how it turns out- good luck!

Wow. It's so much less complicated being a straight guy. I didn't even know you had to dress a certain way to visit L.A.

"I didn't even know you had to dress a certain way to visit L.A."

 

Well it's like punch said - he's going to some exclusive clubs and will be hobnobbing with the foo-foo L.A. crowd, not hanging out at the beach. And honey - depending on the itinerary there's a certain way to dress for L.A., NYC, Chicago, Vegas... even Columbiana County! It's very complicated - be grateful ;-)

 

"Nordstrom was no help, which surprised me."

 

I'm surprised too - then again, I'm spoiled to the Beachwood Nordstrom - most of the staff are very personable and really know their stuff.

For the record, I don't think any gay bars are on the itinerary.  My buddy/business partner Matt is going out there to secure financing for an ambitious plan to transform the area on Michigan Ave near McCormick place into an entertainment district. 

I think I'm part of the sales pitch to these people, some sort of narrative that a protege of his is going to open the first business down there.  Because of that, I don't want to stick out like a sore thumb.  I hope my presence is hardly noticable.

 

If it was just me going to LA, the only thought I would have about clothes would be to try to remember to pack some.  But, since Matt has a lot riding on this trip, I just don't want to be a net negative.

Wow. It's so much less complicated being a straight guy. I didn't even know you had to dress a certain way to visit L.A.

 

^  :roll:

Went to H&M last night.  Got a suit for $250, a charcoal herringbone pattern.  It is a cheap suit, but the pattern hid the not so great seam stitching.  The black suit looked really cheap.

But it fit me like glove, so that was cool.

 

I'm suprised MTS did not chime in, must be that spotty time warner internet  :-D

Wow. It's so much less complicated being a straight guy. I didn't even know you had to dress a certain way to visit L.A.

 

 

for the record, women also appreciate nicely dressed strait guys.

 

punch- I think H&M can be a good choice, even though the Cle stores have different merchandise than other markets (I like the Ny ones a lot).  My only  piece on fashion advice is not get a whole outfit from one place or designer. Maybe you van get a smart shirt to wear with the suit when you are in LA.  The other thing is to check out vintage places. 

punch be glad you did not have to shop the ny h&m's! look what happened just the other day when waves of gay guys rioted the stores  :laugh:

 

 

Oh, Roberto: The Complete And Utter Madness

 

Thursday, November 8, 2007, by Leslie Price

 

 

The Roberto Cavalli collection for H&M was perhaps the most overhyped "masstige" launch yet. We've finally managed to stagger out of the H&M flagship store at 51st Street and Fifth Avenue, dazed, a bit bruised and still in utter shock over the behaviors we witnessed inside. Namely, women and men physically fighting over tacky scraps of animal-print fabric.

 

 

Cha-ching! Cavalli smiles as he watches the feeding frenzy.

 

 

Pushing and shoving.

 

 

The early bird gets the animal print.

 

 

Guards protecting the mannequins, which shoppers were not allowed to strip.

 

 

The checkout line.

 

 

^ Hey, it's the "B**ch if you grab that, I'm going to f**king cut you."  guy. He scored big, no doubt due to his powers of intimidation.

(omg -- hey mts you really need to go back on the coffee asap!!!  :laugh: :wink:)

 

http://racked.com/archives/2007/11/08/oh_roberto_the_complete_and_ut.php

 

 

 

 

So, how did this all turn out, Punch?

OK, I am a 34 year gay old man who does not know how to dress himself  :cry:

 

OK, I missed this before.  As a card carrying gay man, I have a hard time believing this. I'm shocked!  You're in Chicago.  Good shopping.  wow.

 

I was at the opening.  It was pure mess.  Those pictures don't show how insane things really were.

 

Anyway, I hope things turned out well.

OK, I am a 34 year gay old man who does not know how to dress himself  :cry:

You're in Chicago.  Good shopping.  wow.

 

If Chicago has good shopping then so does the major cities in Ohio.

^???? how do you figure?

Cleveland, Cinci & Columbus proper cannot compare. 

 

Chicago has every Luxury goods (Barney's, Saks & Nieman's), Upscale (Nordstrom's & Bloomingdales), mid level (lord & Taylor, Macy's).  and the store that just south of Macy's state street (Scotts Prairie, the name escapes me now).  Chicago also has a collection of all the major boutiques, specialty stores, and brand flagship stores.

 

IIRC, Beachwood has the best shopping in Ohio, but it still pales in comparison to Chicago. So where in Ohio can you shop on the same level as you can in Chicago?

 

David, bless your heart but you know not of what you speak.

oh come on fellas, for david it does.  :wink:

 

yeah where is punch? how did this big trip turn out? he left us hanging.

sorry

 

 

I will update soon, I promise.  I took really good pictures..........of myself with my buddies camera.  He has mislocated it.

 

 

 

let me try once more

OK, I am a 34 year gay old man who does not know how to dress himself  :cry:

 

Typically, I wear a solid color polo, or a T-Shirt from one of the many bars I worked at, or a solid color wool sweater, black belt, Gap jeans or JCrew/Gap chinos and black Doc Martins.  And I am happy.

 

But, I am going to LA with my business partner to check out concepts, and I know him and we will probably do a bunch of stuff with extreamly weathly beautiful people in hot cool clubs.  While some poeple would love this, I think it is one of the rings of hell.

 

Anywho, I need to dress so that I can hang and not be noticed.

 

What I am asking you very generous people, is for very specific instruction.  What store, what article of clothing, what color, etc.

 

I really would appreciate any advice you could give. I am willing to spend some cash, since I really have not bought any clothes in the past 4 years.

 

So, it is LA this weekend, and NY in a few weeks.

 

HELP!  (I will buy you a beer and be eternally grateful)

 

I'm a little late to the party but.........

WHAT THE F*CK?!

 

I cannot believe I read this!  I want you Gay Card NOW!  I've alerted the Gay Police and they have informed me they will do a full investigation.  34 years old and doesn't know how to dress.  Blasphemy!

 

 

^ Hey, it's the "B**ch if you grab that, I'm going to f**king cut you."  guy. He scored big, no doubt due to his powers of intimidation.

(omg -- hey mts you really need to go back on the coffee asap!!!   :laugh: :wink:)

 

http://racked.com/archives/2007/11/08/oh_roberto_the_complete_and_ut.php

 

 

Oh....you got jokes!  Trust, in the name of the God of Fashion, H&M is not wear this bitch be found - especially in a good awful outfit, picking out an even worse ensemble!  How dare you!! :whip:

David, bless your heart but you know not of what you speak.

 

Oh Honey you can say that again!

wow, on so many levels. but mostly b/c my2cents has not chimed in yet.

 

sigh..............

Heavy is the crown of the one who is predictable ;-)

So I used MSWord to type out this story, and luckily I saved a copy.....here is my very long winded story on how my LA trip went..

 

OK, here is the rundown.

First and foremost, thank you so much for all of the good advice (albeit late).  The clothes I purchased were perfect for everything I did that weekend.

I stayed at the Sunset Towers Hotel.  It is an art deco building on the sunset strip that was turned into a boutique hotel.  Gorgeous.  It used to be an apartment building for the Hollywood elite including, John Wayne, Bugsy Segal, Truman Capote etc.  Outside of each room they had a photo of one of the stars that used to live there.  I had a chuckle thinking about this thread when I saw who was my star was, “Mommy Dearest”, Joan Crawford.

I had a couple of hours to kill before I met up with my buddy/business partner so I wandered around the streets.  I walked down La Cienega (La Cienega just smiled is my favorite Ryan Adams song) and walked up Santa Monica Boulevard.  Could not get the stupid Sheryl Crow song out of my head “till the sun came up over….”  So as I am wandering, I stumble onto West Hollywood, LA’s gayborhood (another eye roll, go figure)

So I wanted to check out the hot, hot, hot bar architecture.  Didn’t really see anything  all that great, I think the gay bars in Chicago and Columbus were nicer than the ones I saw there.  There was one bar, a bar that was recommended to me, can not remember the name, but there was a line of like 80 people so I did not care to wait.  Did get a good slice of pizza in West Hollywood, so it was not too much of a waste of time.  Santa Monica was a bit of a let down, reminded me a lot of Houston. 

Finally my buddy picked me up and we dropped off the car at the hotel and boozed it up on Sunset.  We just did a mini bar crawl, which was mostly fu fu hotel bars.  The bars and hotels there go ALL OUT on the patio spaces.  Elaborate trees, cool lights, and clever canopies over the space.  And remember, since it is technically outside, smoking is allowed.  We could have gone to the spy bar on the top of the one hotel, but we said we would try it later.  When we went back the douche bag doorman was saying “Gentlemen if you don’t have a reservation to the SKY bar there is absolutely no way you are getting in”  I had turned my back and started to walk away at the tone of the word “Gentlemen.”  You don’t want my money, screw you I will spend it somewhere else.  Then we went back to the hotel bar (Bugsy’s old apartment) and tied on a blackout with several manhattans.

The next day we headed out to Santa Monica, and Malibu where Matt lived for a while.  Santa Monica was a nice place, we checked out Father’s Office bar for ideas.  Went to a Major Hooples / Parkview type place called Chez Jay’s.  I was in heaven.  Got to chatting with the bartender and some regulars and found out other regulars included James Cameron, Michelle Pfeiffer, and everywhere you looked the knick knacks were gifts from all of these famous people.  I liked Chez Jays.  (I also watched the end of the Ohio State vs. Illinois game there, boo.)  Hit a few bars near muscle beach, I forgot the name of the area.

That night we were going to meet up with one of Matt’s buddies who lived in Chicago, but first, a trip to the polo lounge at the Beverly Hills Hotel.  This is one of the places I thought I would have to dress up.  Not so much, but it was nice.  The Polo Lounge was smaller than I thought, but nice and elegant, $12 Knob Creek and water.  The Beverly Hills hotel, ehh, reminded me of Charlie’s Angels.  Why, cant say, but I was just thinking the place was just 1970s Farrah Fawcett.

So, off to meet the guy who used to live next to Schoolyard, Matt’s old bar.  Turns out this guy Bobby is a successful Hollywood producer.  For years, while he was in Chicago he was trying to get his movie green lighted, the movie Soul Food.  Once he did, he produced Barber Shop and its sequels, Men of Honor (?) with Robert DiNero and Cuba Gooding Jr., and the cinematic triumph of RollBounce, starring Bow Wow.

We meet him at this “super exclusive” cigar club.  The hostess at the front checks are Ids, then unlocks one door, leads us to an elevator, puts in a key and presses a code to take up to the second floor.  That is where we meet Bobby, and he could not have been a nicer, more down to earth.    He will be filming in Chicago soon, a story about Humboldt Park.  (He may use me as a bartender in the movie, whatever) 

Bobby  loved how ‘exclusive’ the place was.  He says he does all of his big deals there.  He rattled off a list of celebrities who were members.  When the Governor of California was only the terminator, he was there everyday.  My buddy Matt picked up the tab, three rounds of drinks, a sushi plate…..$285.

Then back to the hotel bar for more Manhattans.  Went to a cool bar/diner on sunset, but I forgot the name.  It had good hummus.

 

In short, I really have not changed my opinion of LA.  Dirty, dull, filled with insecure people who need things like VIP lists or secret elevators to help give them a sense of being on the inside.  Whatever.  Next time I will be in LA (which I thought would be for the Rose Bowl) I will just hang out at Chez Jay’s.

 

This is the climax of your trip?  Wow I guess the screen writers strike affected you as well.  :wink:

 

The Sunset Towers is lovely!

 

Sounds like you went to the Abbey, the falcon, area, circus or the arena.  You should have gone to Jewels catch one! 

 

Whats wrong with the Polo Lounge.  The Beverly Hills hotel grounds are stunning and the Marlene Dietrich photos are AMAZING.

 

Whats so wrong with insecure people :?  They make my job soooooooooooooooooooooooooo easy!

OK gay fashion experts. I have some friends who are bisexual men. They dress like just plain ol' straight guys. How do the rules work for them? I'm a  monster truck lovin' Busch drinkin' car fixin' metalhead straight guy, so I gotta admit that don't know.

OK gay fashion experts. I have some friends who are bisexual men. They dress like just plain ol' straight guys. How do the rules work for them? I'm a   monster truck lovin' Busch drinkin' car fixin' metalhead straight guy, so I gotta admit that don't know.

 

Generally I like a fashion challenge, however, I must say, we give advice - we don't work miracles!