Posted May 18, 200817 yr Can't believe we don't have one of these (and if we do, I can't find it). Dumb Joke #1, lifted from the Off-Topic thread. Take it away David: The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want the Tall, Grande or Venti?"
May 19, 200817 yr So's I's go's to the docter cos' I's gotta pain in my *sshole and I's say's to the doctor: "Doctor, I's got a pain in my *sshole and I's need to know's if you's can help me but only if you's A)Don't look at my *sshole and B)Don't touch it with your fingus." And the doctor's says "You's got a pain in your *sshole and you want me's to help ya's but only if I's don't A)Looks at your asshole or B)Touch it with my fingus". And I says yeah doc's I's gotta pain in my *sshole but I can't have you A)looks at it or B)touch it with your fingus. And the doctors says "well den's I can't help you". And I's says well then I's'll have to deal with it myself, I'm Ellen DeGeneres.
May 19, 200817 yr A captain out at sea looks to the horizon and finds a pirate ship coming full speed to attack. The captain calls to his first mate and says, "We're under attack! Run and get me my red shirt before the battle begins!" The first mate gets his captain his red shirt just before the fighting ensues. That night, after the battle, the first mate asks, "Why did you want your red shirt before the battle began today?" The captain replied, "If I was wounded in the battle, I didn't want the crew to see the blood and become disheartened during the fight." The next morning, the captain looks again to the horizon and sees an armada of fifty pirate ships coming at full speed. The captain calls to his first mate, "Quickly! Bring me my brown pants!"
May 19, 200817 yr Jewish take on an old favorite (I've also heard it with Ole and Lena, for a Norwegian slant) Abe and Becky are driving to Chicago from Cleveland. Becky is driving as Abe can't see very well, and he's her ears as she can't hear very well. They are pulled over by a state trooper, Trooper: "You guys were going a little fast" Becky : "Vat'd he say??" Abe (yelling): "He says you vere speedink!!" Trooper: May I see your license please" Becky: "Vat'd he say??" Abe: : "He vants to see your license!!" Trooper (looking at license) "Cleveland! I had the worst sex of my life there" Becky: "Vat'd he say???" Abe: "He says he knows you!" ::silence:: He says he knows you... <taps mike> Is this thing on?
May 20, 200817 yr *waits 30 minutes for adam to answer the door* (inside joke) just kidding. continue. Who's there?
May 20, 200817 yr Q: How do you get a (insert college you are not very fond of) graduate off of your porch? A: Pay them for the pizza.
May 20, 200817 yr Ayo architects, here's a good one for the dinner parties: Q What made the column feel it had to conform? A Pier pressure. Q Why was the builder so short? A Because he had been contracting for a long time. Q Why did the cement mixer's lack of boxing ability cause him to ruin the mortar mix? A Because he threw in the trowel. Q What does a mexican carpet fitter say? A Underlay! Underlay! Okay, those were corny but architecture jokes are hard to come by and urban planning jokes are non-existant.
May 20, 200817 yr Jesus, Moses and and old man are playing golf. Moses tees off first. His drive goes right into the middle of a water hazard. No problem. He lifts his pitching wedge and the water parts. He pitches right onto the green, three feet from the hole. Jesus tees off next. His tee shot also goes into the water hazard. No problem. He walks out onto the water to his ball, which is also atop the water. He pitches right onto the green, one foot away from the hole. The old man tees off last. His drive is heading right for the water hazard as well. At the last second a fish leaps out and grabs at the ball. Before the fish gets back under water, a bird comes swooping down and grabs the fish. As he flies off over the green, a strong gust of wind whips up and the bird drops the fish. The fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth, and rolls into the hole. Jesus turns around and says “Nice shot, Dad, but will you please stop messing around and play golf”.
May 20, 200817 yr One more for the architects: Q: Where do bridgebuilders go for drinks? A: The Expansion Joint. (That's my joke. I made it.)
May 20, 200817 yr Let's see if I can kill this thread like I did the poetry one. Since we're telling profession based jokes: How is Viagra like feeding a lawyer cyanide?
May 21, 200817 yr ^^I'm gonna guess both ways you end up with a stiff pr*ck? Some punchlines are so obvious it's funnier to let them be figured out. :evil:
May 21, 200817 yr A guy walks into a bar, his friend managed to duck in time. clevelandskyscrapers.com Cleveland Skyscrapers on Instagram
May 21, 200817 yr A baby seal walks into a club.... I heard he got pretty smashed. How do you know you're at a Steelers fan wedding? There's no need for an aisle.
May 21, 200817 yr A baby seal walks into a club.... I like the variation: a baby seal walks into a bar and the bartenders asks "what'll ya have" and the baby seal responds "anything but a Canadian Club!!"
May 21, 200817 yr david45213 (6:04:48 PM): a seal walks into a club... ***** (6:04:59 PM): NOT FUNNY ***** (6:05:04 PM): animal cruelty is not funny
May 21, 200817 yr david45213 (6:04:48 PM): a seal walks into a club... ***** (6:04:59 PM): NOT FUNNY ***** (6:05:04 PM): animal cruelty is not funny Neither was the Challenger exploding but it sure led to some good jokes. Black humor's often a way of coping. The only major disaster/tragedy I can think of that never led to jokes was 9/11. (Michael Moore doesn't count as he's not "funny on purpose").
May 21, 200817 yr What day of the week don't fish like? Fryday What type of fence goes on strike? Picket Fence What kind of bear has no teeth? Gummy Bear What does an astronaut put their babies to sleep? Rocket What happens to astronauts when they misbehave? They're grounded If a nut on the wall is a walnut, what is a nut in the bathroom? A pee can
May 22, 200817 yr So a truck driver ran out of gas while delivering an overpass on I-275... This is the place for dumb jokes, right?
May 22, 200817 yr david45213 (6:04:48 PM): a seal walks into a club... ***** (6:04:59 PM): NOT FUNNY ***** (6:05:04 PM): animal cruelty is not funny Neither was the Challenger exploding but it sure led to some good jokes. Black humor's often a way of coping. The only major disaster/tragedy I can think of that never led to jokes was 9/11. (Michael Moore doesn't count as he's not "funny on purpose"). Oh, I KNOW you've seen these: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=De1wNLEGQ30
May 22, 200817 yr So this dawter of mine --she's a reals *sshole herself -- she's comes to me and says hey pops I wanna learn ta ride a bike and so I gets her a little bike at the gawrage sales and puts on the troinin' wheels and she's goes nah pop's so I take the troinin' wheels off. Then she's has me's putem' back on. Take h'im off. Put 'em back on take h'im back off. Next time she's asks I say yo can we get this b*tch a skateboard I'm Oprah.
May 22, 200817 yr Abe and Becky redux Abe and Becky are walking down the street and they see two dogs having sex in a nieghbor's yard. Abe says to Becky, "tomorrow is our 50th vedding anniversary. We've never made love doggy style. If you make love to me doggy style, I'll buy you a fur coat!" Becky looks at him in horror and says "Never!" Abe says "Okay, then. I'll buy you the fur coat AND the diamond necklace you've always wanted if we make love doggy style for our 50th vedding anniversary" Becky just responds "oy! Not in a million years, Abe" Finally Abe gets on his knees and says "Okay. Final offer. I buy you the fur coat, the diamond necklace AND a brand new Cadillac if you let me make love to you doggy style one time, for our 50th vedding anniversary!" Becky looks at the dogs, shrugs and says "Okay, one time. But let's go to a neighborhood where nobody knows us."
May 22, 200817 yr Okay, jmecklenborg is 2 for 2. Category: I Have No Clue What You're Talking About. Thank you. I figured it was an urbanohio inside joke that I wasn't privy to.
May 22, 200817 yr A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Ah, now the problems start!"
May 22, 200817 yr david45213 (6:04:48 PM): a seal walks into a club... ***** (6:04:59 PM): NOT FUNNY ***** (6:05:04 PM): animal cruelty is not funny Neither was the Challenger exploding but it sure led to some good jokes. Black humor's often a way of coping. The only major disaster/tragedy I can think of that never led to jokes was 9/11. (Michael Moore doesn't count as he's not "funny on purpose"). INteresting you say that because two hours after this post I was playing Apples to Apples with friends. My green card was the word "Lucky". With that people had to give me their red cards (they have a noun) that would go along with the adjective and the very first card I turn over was "Challenger Explosion". I was laughing so hard I couldn't read the rest. I felt so guilty, but it was just so ironic.
May 22, 200817 yr APPLES TO APPLES!!!! I love that game. I was playing the other night and the Helen Keller card came up. The card that was picked to match was "Useless." It was fantastically horrible.
May 22, 200817 yr A dumb one but one of my favorites... *A magician is performing on stage and says, "for my next trick, I need a volunteer from the audience." Nobody volunteers so the magician picks the biggest guy in the audience to help him with his trick. When the guy gets to the stage, the magician hands him a sledgehammer. The magician tells the guy, "Go ahead and hit me in the temple as hard as you can." "No way." "Go ahead...I'm a magician." "Alright..." WHAM!! Ten years later, the magician wakes up out of his coma and yells, "TA DA!!"
June 1, 200817 yr OK, I heard this in a different form, but I can adapt it to Abe and Becky. They never did it doggy style, but they perfected dog-trick sex: Abe will sit up and beg, and Becky will roll over and play dead.
June 3, 200817 yr Working at a drug store on the corner of Burnet and Erkenbrecker in the 70's when it was still a vibrant business district, not a parking lot. All of a sudden, a Metro driver came running in the store screaming that a woman was giving birth on his bus. We, of course, ran outside to help, the bus was making a right turn onto Burnet, but the car stopped at the light was pulled up too far and the bus couldn't make the turn. So there it sat, blocking traffic in all directions. The woman came off the bus, only about 5 months pregnant! Seems that when the bus was stuck and just sitting there, she yelled to the driver, the following: "If you don't hurry up and get through this traffic, I'm going to have my baby right here.!" When the police got there, they kicked her off!
June 3, 200817 yr Senior Prom, 1971. Up all night at the Southland YMCA afterprom; picnic the next day at Canal-Fulton. Everyone pretty tired, laying around doing nothing, napping under the trees, whatever. About 4pm, girlfriend (currently wife #2) and I get up to leave, walk to the cars, all parked on the grass under the trees, right around the general area we were sitting. Walk up to the trusty 1970 Nova open the driver side door, and she slides onto the plastic bench seat. (Liked when she sat next to me then, PITA now!) Anyway, start up the car, put it in gear, pull forward, and immediately hear a sound that will forever be in my head. Thump, Thump; Thump, Thump. Imagine the sound driving over 4 small branches or logs. Except these were 4 legs of the couple who had crawled under the trees to take a nap with their legs under my car! We both looked at each other in shock, we knew there was nothing there when we pulled up. I was hysterical, but they were so sound asleep, and the soft grass cushioned the blow; that nothing happened! There were no injuries! There was some bruising, but nothing more. You could see the tire tread marks on their legs for days! We were heading to a family function and I was just shaking all night. The real funny part is that my parents never knew about it, and when my mother found out 25 years later, she screamed at me as if I was still 18!!!! Yes, alcohol was involved, but they were the good old days, it was legal, and drinking and driving was just a right of passage!!!!
June 3, 200817 yr My prom story cannot be shared online in excoriating detail or else I'd probably lose my job.
June 3, 200817 yr My prom story cannot be shared online in excoriating detail or else I'd probably lose my job. Please continue.
June 3, 200817 yr My 4 year old son is in the "Why?" phase (I hope it never stops). The other night when I was putting him to sleep he was proposing a series of pets. Eventually he suggested a pet fly. I explained to him, over the course of several whys, that a fly wouldn't make a good pet because we couldn't train it because its brain is too small. He thought for a moment and revised his proposal: "How about a big fly."
June 4, 200817 yr >Please continue. I actually sketched out a brief account then wisely deleted it from that post. The story involves severe sunburn, a dental assistant, a confrontation between me and a young lady at The Waterfront restaurant, me scoring a last-minute date at the former Ludlow Ave. Revco drug store (is it a CVS now?), a cabin in Manchester, OH, rich Ursuline girls versus hillbilly Kentucky girls, a half bottle of cheap vodka, and even Mary Lou Retton (no joke!). The whole chain of events though was thrown into motion by me making the mistake of making fun of my woman to some guy in the hall the last day before spring break. I forgot that his girlfriend was sort of friends with one of the girls who ran with my old lady and remember this was before the internet or cell phones but somehow the what I had told the guy in the hall makes it all the way to Florida (I was on a $6 spring break in Manchester, OH[yes, I only spent $6 on spring break, half of it on a pack of Swisher Sweets]) and when the girls come back the next week I'd been black listed but of course the old lady had already bought a ticket and unlike me was incapable of scoring a date in 4 days so I had to go with her. Then she expected me to invite her to my school's prom but instead I broke free and made things happen.
June 4, 200817 yr jmecklenborg, you digress and sub-reference like a young, more Midwestern Dennis Miller on lithium.
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