June 4, 200817 yr ^^I read the first account (that was deleted) and I don't remember it being much different/more incriminating than this updated one.
June 4, 200817 yr My only question is why in the world would you waste your spring break in Manchester?
June 5, 200817 yr Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' - Eleanor Roosevelt Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.- Groucho Marx My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.- Zsa Zsa Gabor Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.- Alex Levine My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. - Joe Namath I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. - W. C. Fields We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.- Phyllis Diller By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal And The cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good, spit it out.
June 8, 200817 yr speaking of the greats and the so-crates....it's about time for the best thing these guys ever did (and that is saying a lot!): The Philosopher's Drinking Song Immanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable. Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table. David Hume could out consume Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel, And Wittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as sloshed as Schlegel. There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya 'bout the raisin' of the wrist. Socrates himself was permanently pissed. John Stuart Mill, of his own free will, after half a pint of shandy was particularly ill. Plato, they say, could stick it away, 'alf a crate of whiskey every day! Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle, and Hobbes was fond of his Dram. And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am." Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed; A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he's pissed. -- Monty Python
June 11, 200817 yr I just remembered one. What does Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common? Their last big hit was The Wall.
June 11, 200817 yr got these jokes from the interns. God they are a lame-o bunch! a man talked to his wife about saving money. The man says, "learn to cook so I can fire the maid". The wife replies, "learn to eat coochie so we can fire the gardener." A woman cooks deer meet but doesn't tell the kids what it is. The kids ask for a clue. Mom says, "It's your dads favorite thing". The youngest Son yells, "Don't eat it....it's P*ssy!!" She came to me one night... Explored my body... Licked, sucked and swallowed... When satisfied, she left I was hurt F*ckin' mosquitoes!
June 16, 200816 yr How I sign the bottom of my letters: PS- this is what the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated All credit goes to Mitch Hedburg, one of the greatest dumb joke tellers of all time! His jokes could fill pages on this thread!
June 18, 200816 yr A pirate with a steering wheel in his pants walks up to a bar to order a drink. The bartender said "hey, do you know you have a steering wheel in your pants?" The pirate responded "Yaarrrr, it driving me nuts!"
June 18, 200816 yr anther gem from the interns...ugh. :roll: BREAKING NEWS! R. Kelly Not Guilty Celelbration 2 nite at Chuckie Cheese, 3PM - Until Ladies free before 9 PM with Junior High School ID No parents allowed.
June 19, 200816 yr A pirate with a steering wheel in his pants walks up to a bar to order a drink. The bartender said "hey, do you know you have a steering wheel in your pants?" The pirate responded "Yaarrrr, it driving me nuts!" THAT is my favorite joke of all time, although nobody ever laughs at it for some reason... whats black and white and red all over? an emo panda.
June 27, 200816 yr Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that Three Brazilian troops were killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed to his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Finally he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just how many is a Brazilian?"
June 27, 200816 yr Two eggs are in a frying pan. The first egg says "It's hot in here" The second egg replies "Holy Sh!t, you can talk!!"
July 2, 200816 yr My friend's mom once gave him an enema when he was 15 and I'm still making fun of him about it.
July 2, 200816 yr "Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths." - Stephen Wright
July 2, 200816 yr Vun day, Sven vas valking down da street ven who did he see driving a brand new Chevrolet? It vas Ole. Ole pulled up to him vit a vide smile. "Ole, vere did ya get dat car?" Sven asked. "Lena gave it to me". "She gave it to you? I knew she vas sveet on you, but dis?". "Vell, let me tell you vat happened. Ve vere driving out on county road 6, in da middle of novere. Lena pulled off da road into da woods. She parked, got out of da car, trew off alla her clothes and said, "Ole take vatever you vant."...So I took da car" "Ole, your a smart man, dem clothes never voulda fit ya."
July 2, 200816 yr Vun day, Sven vas valking down da street ven who did he see driving a brand new Chevrolet? It vas Ole. Ole pulled up to him vit a vide smile. "Ole, vere did ya get dat car?" Sven asked. "Lena gave it to me". "She gave it to you? I knew she vas sveet on you, but dis?". "Vell, let me tell you vat happened. Ve vere driving out on county road 6, in da middle of novere. Lena pulled off da road into da woods. She parked, got out of da car, trew off alla her clothes and said, "Ole take vatever you vant."...So I took da car" "Ole, your a smart man, dem clothes never voulda fit ya." Why am I picturing Rose Nyland?!!
July 3, 200816 yr some sillyness: http://www.amazingjokes.com/ Toilet Walls Graffiti I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. --Houghton Library, Harvard University . Cambridge , Massachusetts . Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die. --Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign , IL Beauty is only a light switch away. --Perkins Library, Duke University , Durham , North Carolina. Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?" --Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia . God made pot. Man made beer. Whom do you trust? -- The Irish Times, Washington , D.C. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. --The Bayou, Baton Rouge , Louisiana . No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her sh*t. --Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill , North Carolina . At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry. --Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson , Arizona . It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. --Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona . Make love, not war.--Hell, do both, get married! --Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman , Montana . God is dead. -Nietzsche; Nietzsche is dead. -God --The Tombs Restaurant. Washington , D.C. If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. --Revolution Books. New York , New York . A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. --Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas , Texas .
July 3, 200816 yr Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. Take the high road -- there's less traffic. What do OSU and pot have in common? Both get smoked in bowls.
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