So this may be sort of a rant, but I'd like to get it off of my chest.

 

I rarely go home anymore to my parents. My father is pretty nice and understanding, but my mother (who is Korean) can be a downright pain-in-the-ass at times. She's always been overprotective of me, from when I was a little child to college. I think it stems from her overprotective mother, her culture and because I am the only child.

 

All through childhood, I was impacted by my parents. My mother disallowed me from staying out late at night until I was late in high school (except for sleepovers and all that junk). Late night movies were disallowed because she saw on Fox News an increase of rapes and murders and all that, and attributed it to everywhere.

 

When I went to the dorms in my freshmen year of college, it was such a change of experience. I was free to do what I want, when I wanted with little oversight from my parents. I was much happier and although I saw them on the weekends every so often, it was no big deal. After my second year in the dorms, I lived completely on my own in apartment complexes with financial support because I worked two part time jobs and didn't make enough.

 

I graduated this May after five years at UK. Pretty content, I wanted to spend the summer traveling, backpacking and seeing new places. I got to do that a lot up until now, because I assumed that I would have a great job by the end of summer.

 

Well, that job opportunity came a little early for me. The offer was so great and overwhelming that I took it immediately, with a start date of July 7. That left me with little time to do the things I wanted to do over summer. So I quit my two part time jobs and began traveling -- all from Lexington, KY, doing day hikes and some overnighters (car camping), telling my parents very little if anything about my travels. Mom would freak out if she knew the full extent.

 

I came home Sunday, after photographing some events on Saturday and doing some extended hiking on Friday. I have been pretty miserable ever since. She complains about me "going everywhere" -- which is pretty much to Ashland to do some photography (10 minute drive), or to Huntington to visit the bookshops and doing photography there (30 minute drive). I've pretty much stuck around the house otherwise, playing with the dogs or staying inside. She much rather prefer that over traveling because it's "safer" and I won't be spending any gasoline money.

 

The thing is, it's boring as hell. I didn't come home just to see my parents -- which have become so infrequent as of the past year. I see them maybe every month, despite me living only two hours away. I came home to see new places and some friends. I am also starting my job in a few weeks and will be making more than my mom or dad per year (dad retired and started a lower paying, less stressful job) -- and she was damn proud of that. But not enough to give me some additional freedoms.

 

I told her that I was going to go backpacking up in Dolly Sods wilderness and at Blackwater Canyon/Falls in West Virginia several weeks ago, and brought it up in phone conversations up until a few days ago. And tonight I start packing my backpack for the trip, but she started freaking out. I was going to go car camping at first, but she was afraid that I would get robbed, raped and killed doing that. So I proposed going to a hotel or lodge, but she said that it was too much gasoline money. She wanted me to do a day trip to a place that is four hours away one-way. f$&k that.

 

I don't know what to do or what to say. I'm 23, being treated as a child, and being told that I can't enjoy my last free weeks doing what I enjoy doing. She stays at home pretty much all day after work, watching television and being on the couch, getting out every once in a while to shop or to water the garden. My father works and loves to be around the yard, and I don't have an issue with him because he gives me many more freedoms (and had for years).

 

I feel like just packing up tonight and going back to Lexington and saying "f$&k it." I'd much rather depart from Lexington and go backpacking and traveling, than to have to deal with it here. I don't think that she has yet to understand that after I am settled in at my new job, that I will not be visiting home nearly as much -- maybe every month at best.

Your 23, do what you need to do.  Your mom may not like it to begin with but she will get over it. 

Mom needs to learn just how true the saying is - if you love someone, set them free. You need to learn that there are certain things Moms do that can be annoying as h#ll, but in time you learn why they do them. You may even learn to appreciate those things and laugh at them. You *are* living under their roof so for now, try to be respectful if nothing else.

 

From what you're saying, it sounds like she's trying to spend as much time you as she possibly can (to the point of smothering). She knows you're a free spirit, and like any mother she's being a little selfish when it comes to spending time with you - even if that time is nothing beyond her knowing you're safe at home. The fact that you're an only child who is "leaving the nest" probably exacerbates her worrying. She's fearful that once you're on your own, you won't need her any more. Imagine being a mother for that long, and then realizing that the person that's been the focus of devotion for so long - no longer needs the nuturing that Mom gives. She's sensing a tremendous amount of loss, that's probably why she's being so overprotective.

 

I know it isn't easy, but if you want to help the situation, reassure her that you'll always be in touch. Try not to get too mad at her - hell, after I (the youngest of two) hopped on the bus to go to my first day of kindergarten, my Mom waved at me, closed the door and collapsed, bawling her eyes out inconsolably (per my Dad's account) for about half an hour. :lol:

 

When you do move - send a letter (NOT email) every now and then during those times you won't be paying a visit. Just buy a nice blank card every other week, tell her what's going on with your life (job, etc.) and every now and then, thank her for something (i.e. raising you to be independent and strong-willed). It sounds trivial but something tells me you'll see those cards placed around the house on those visits you make.

Give mom the benefit of the doubt, she just worries about you!  Will you be living at home when you start your job?  That will make it difficult, might be time to get your own place. 

 

Parents need to feel that their kids still need them in some way, obviously you don't need them financially, so instead she might feel that you still need her help managing all that money, or worrying about all the bad things that might happen to you.  She will learn to accept that as time goes by, but it is never easy.  I'm sure it is a cultural thing that she is struggling with.

 

It happens to all generations, I do it in ways to my successful 27 yo daughter, and my 84 yo mother does it to me!  Be careful not to say or do anything that might make it more difficult to recover from.  Its not worth it.  One day you'll wish she was around to nag you!

 

No, I'm moving from Lexington to Cincinnati (having lived on my own for three years). My parents live in Ashland, KY, two hours east of Lexington.

 

I'm just at my parents for a week or less just to visit, and I haven't been to my parents in a month.

 

I just don't want to become what my friend has become. His parents were extremely overprotective, much more so than mine, and he's become a total recluse and has remained sheltered. He managed well and was very happy living in the dorms and in apartments in Louisville, but came back to live with his parents so he could attend grad school and work. And he constantly complains about it and his morale has suffered -- from some personal conversations that he has had with me. I just don't want to become him...

You won't if you are moving to Cincinnati.  Just put up with it for these few weeks, trying to discuss it with her to help her understand.  Don't expect her to really accept it, just keep reminding her that your all grown up!

 

If you go back to Lexington now, she'll know she made you leave, and then you both will feel badly.

You are getting offered free rent, food, laundry etc dude.  Stick it out the rest of the month, even though you do deserve to travel.

 

My situation isn't all that great.  I'm currently paying rent on two EMPTY apartments in Ann Arbor, MI  That's combined $1500/month for the ants to walk around.  I work in Saginaw which is about 90 miles north which means I get to live at home with my parents for a couple months to save money!.  It's awful being 24, dating a girl while I'm still at home and some of my friends already getting married.  Although I'm grateful for what my parents have provided so far this summer.  Only one more year of grad school though.

 

Fortunately for me, my parents don't seem to care when and where I go to travel.  It's all my own money.  Thank God grants covered my tuition or I'd be screwed.

 

 

Well, somewhat free rent, etc. I did work, although I had two part time jobs because I was taking a full load of courses at the university. A lot of my money went for gas though -- not to commute, but to travel. I never told my parents half of the things I did.

Seicer, honey, I feel your pain.  I love my mother, but damn, at some point they have to realize you're grown!  I'm 42 and on occasion my mother still talks to me like I'm 12.  On my birthday she told me, "I'd always be her baby"  :roll:  :roll:

 

My parents always said to my brother and I, "as long as you live here, you'll abide by our rules.  Once you have a house of you own, you can then decide what the rules of your home will be". When I got fed up I bought my own damn crib.

 

You have to man up.  I understand you're an only child, but you've got to

[*]Make you Mom understand that you're an adult

[*]Explain to her, that the manner in which you are raised, molded you into the person you are today and that their parenting, has prepared you for life in the real world.

[*]Use an example of something your grandparents did to your mom that she has told you she DID NOT like or appreciate and equate that to an experience that you and your parents had/have.

 

I remember one summer my best friend and I rent on Shaker Square, before I could tell my mother, at breakfast looked down her nose at me and said, "oh, so you want to rent an apartment on Shaker Square, I guess our home isn't good enough for you?!"  I just remember wrapping my hands around my (then future) sister-in-laws neck. I wanted to kill her.

 

When I moved into my own apartment, my mother wouldn't even visit.  Finally I had enough and told her that her selfish tantrums only work on my father - I couldn't believe that came out of my mouth - then I got slapped back to reality.

 

I reminded her that at one point she didn't agree with he father, as he had "arranged/promised" marriages for my mom and Aunt.  Because of that she and my aunt left Puerto Rico and moved to Miami.  I reminded her that she was younger than me when she made that decision.  Then it hit her.

 

I say, sit your parents down, and explain to them what you would like to do and stick to it.  Yes, you're living in their home, but if you don't "man up" now you'll be unhappy forever.

 

Are you fathers parents around?  A favorite Aunt/Uncle or Cousins that can help persuade your Mom and assure her that you are safe.  Without speaking ill of your parents, it appears your mom is a captive of her own fears and reflecting that issue on you.

"She stays at home pretty much all day after work, watching television and being on the couch..."

 

I think she watches too much Nancy Grace and "Action News" - both of which exist to scare the crap out of average people by hyping crime stories that are highly unlikely to affect them personally.  I mean what are the odds of a pregnant woman having the fetus ripped out of them by some psycho, yet I have a co-worker whose pregnant wife wouldn't go to the gas station alone for fear of being abducted by some freak who wanted her baby.  And God knows how many otherwise rational people live behind locked doors with their security systems armed, all in fear of some random crime event that you couldn't prevent/predict if you tried?

^ TV just needs to go away.

I think all of this about "making his mom realize he is a man now and she is being overbearing" (my perception of what has been said, I suppose) is bunk!  All she is doing is asking him what he is up to and where he has been/is going and basically meddling.  Mom's need to do that...and do!

 

Seicer, I understand you want to do what you want to do and I encourage you to do so...very diplomatically.  What you don't want to do is make your mother feel inadequate or permanently scar your lifelong relationship with Mom over some short trips you want to take over the next few weeks. (If your new gig is THAT good you will have vacation time and expendable income.)

 

A big part of being a "man" is picking your battles and balancing your wants with others needs.  Weigh your travel plans with your Mom's actualization and love for you in five years and there is your answer.

All this reminds me of the time when I was a girl in California trying to make it as a dancer. I hit it off with a bunch of dancers on the beach who were pioneering a new style of dance. My parents didn't like me hanging around those 'hoodlums' as they called them, but in the end my perseverence won out, and they recognized this new style of dance as an art. We all learned a valuable lesson in life.

 

Later that year, we stopped an evil developer from turning our community center into a mall.

Trust me, OP, this is a very good problem to have.

Seicer, I know how you feel.  I had to set some things striaght with my mother a few times.  I'm the first born, and in her words, I have a special place in her heart and I--no matter how old I get--will always be her baby.  Also, I just think it is in her nature to be overly concerned about everything and anything. 

 

I remember when I was a Freshman in college, she would email me EVERY day and called me almost as much.  It got to the point a few weeks in, I would respond to her emails or return her calls.  Then a couple of days later I would get scathing emails from her asking why I haven't called or emailed her back.  I had to tell her that nothing had changed from the day before that was really worth noting.  I just also mentioned that she had to let go.  It was hard for her, but she finally came around. 

All this reminds me of the time when I was a girl in California trying to make it as a dancer. I hit it off with a bunch of dancers on the beach who were pioneering a new style of dance. My parents didn't like me hanging around those 'hoodlums' as they called them, but in the end my perseverence won out, and they recognized this new style of dance as an art. We all learned a valuable lesson in life.

 

Later that year, we stopped an evil developer from turning our community center into a mall.

 

That took me for a loop there.....

Since I’m about a hundred years older than you, and my mother died many, many years ago at the relatively young age of 62, maybe I can’t relate to your plight in a visceral way as I could if I was younger; but you’re very fortunate to have a mother who cares that much about you. I basically left home at 18 and didn’t come back to live there again. It’s not that I didn’t get along/love my mother, but we weren’t the most…uhhh…emotionally demonstrative family in the history of the human race (anyone else from a Nordic background will understand what I’m talking about. Those Ingmar Bergman movies are more real than most people think!). Everyone makes great points, but MayDay gave the best, succinct, and practical analysis and advice (you know, like Dr. Phil). Good Luck!

MayDay - Author, Photographer, HBIC and Family Therapist.

^Now if I could get my own talk show :laugh:

All this reminds me of the time when I was a girl in California trying to make it as a dancer. I hit it off with a bunch of dancers on the beach who were pioneering a new style of dance. My parents didn't like me hanging around those 'hoodlums' as they called them, but in the end my perseverence won out, and they recognized this new style of dance as an art. We all learned a valuable lesson in life.

 

Later that year, we stopped an evil developer from turning our community center into a mall.

 

That took me for a loop there.....

 

Two words should clarify

 

'Electric Boogaloo'

^Now if I could get my own talk show :laugh:

 

Why did the Richard Bey show just pop into my head?!  :wink:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=UyTb-n9upx0

 

back on topic...back on topic...back on topic.....

"I think all of this about "making his mom realize he is a man now and she is being overbearing" (my perception of what has been said, I suppose) is bunk!  All she is doing is asking him what he is up to and where he has been/is going and basically meddling. "

 

Well, I've kept her notified of my travel plans over my break and she agreed to them. That's what irked me more than anything -- otherwise, I would have stayed in Lexington and used that as my base instead (keeping her out of the loop).

 

Yes, she does watch a lot of Nancy Grace. And Fox News. I think she got the idea that I would be raped/robbed/etc. from Fox News (which she watches religiously), because I recalled a segment just a few days ago about some hiker that was brutally murdered in Georgia (which is really old news, because that was many months ago).

 

I did get in some great hiking (not backpacking) today, but I ended up wasting a lot of (their) money in gas. I basically told her that if she wanted me to return the same day, that I was going to use her money since it was vastly more inefficient to do so.

 

I plan on going back to Lexington Sunday (a week early) and then going back out to West Virginia for the next week before I move.